The Secret Diaries of Aragorn
by lalaithien
Summary: Another installment in my "Secret Diaries" series. Completely, outrageously silly. For fun only - no disrespect intended!!


The Secret Diaries of Aragorn, Son of Arathorn 

Author's Note: Well, here they are, the next section of the "Secret Diaries" as promised. :-) I'm writing these as the fancy strikes me, so they are not in any particular order. But I hope you enjoy them! 

_Day 1:_

Discovered beautiful Elf-maiden in Lorien. Have plighted my eternal troth.

_Day 2:_

Discovered father of beautiful Elf-maiden in Lorien. Must become King of the West to get girl. Life sucks.

_Day 21,900:_

Still not king. But have managed to grow beard that makes me look like hunk. Must remember next week monthly bath date – if I miss fifth appointment will be blacklisted.

_Day 21,901:_

In Bree. Feet hurt from boots with worn out soles – boot-replacement not covered by Ranger Insurance policy. Will sit in dark corner for two weeks and look mysterious.

_Day 21,915:_

Small hairy creatures arrived at Inn in Bree. Two fond of lager, one of bread and cheese, and one of disappearing. 

_LATER: _Lead small hairy creature is owner of gold ring. Will take to Rivendell – Elrond v. fond of gold jewellery.

_Day 21,930:_

Have discovered am being followed by men dressed in black bedsheets. Took the "wild road" – not what I thought it meant. Walked forty miles in freezing rain. Not good for boots.

_Day 21,931:_

Frodo hobbit stabbed by man in black bed sheet. 

_Day 21,932:_

Met up with Arwen – she's v. mad about something. Told her she shouldn't kill me because I was heir to the thrones of Gondor and Ithilien. She said she didn't fear them. 

_LATER:_

Drat. Arwen ran off with Frodo.

_Day 21,940:_

In Rivendell. Borrowed soap and hair gel from Legolas and took bath. Borrowed grey velvet dress from Legolas to wear to Council meeting tomorrow. Made out – er, _made_ _up_ – with Arwen. But still not king.

_Day 21,941:_

Elrond not as fond of gold jewellery as previously thought. Council have decided to destroy Ring. I pledged my sword. 

_LATER: _

Wait, you mean I have to go _with_ it?!? Drat.

_Day 21,942:_

Left for Mordor, along with: 4 hobbits, 1 elf, 1 dwarf, 1 wizard, and 1 other man. Not a girl in the bunch. Life sucks.

_Day 21,970:_

Stuck on Caradhras with Fellowship. V. cold. This was _not_ in job description. But Sam v. good cook.

_Day 21,971:_

Have decided to take underground route through place called Moria. Have a bad feeling about this…

_Day 21,972:_

Orcs killed: many. But Boromir has more – should have known another man in Fellowship would be too much competition. Gimli's cousin dead. Frodo almost dead. 

_LATER:_

Met huge fiery thing called Balrog. VERY bad breath. Gandalf dead. Wish Boromir was dead.

_Day 21,973:_

Finally out of Moria. Look v. dirty today but adds to my manly charm. Legolas clean & tidy as always. Boromir v. dirty too – left his comb in Rivendell.

_Day 21,980:_

In Lorien. Saw Galadriel. Yet another blonde – great. But at least it's a girl. Had chat with Boromir – that guy seriously homesick. And took bath – go me!

_Day 21,981:_

Fellowship leaving for undisclosed location in cool swan boats. Legolas has taken to braiding his hair– says someone stole his shampoo. Will not tell him I did. Still not king.

_Day 21,982:_

Have reached crossroads. Am stuck between rock and two huge statues. (Sounds better than hard place.) Legolas said a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind. Did not tell him what _I_ thought had been growing in his mind. Do not know what to do. Gimli fussy. Pippin hungry. Must think a bit.

_Day 21,983:_

In absence of Gandalf have laid the burden of decision on the Ringbearer. Small hairy creatures good for something after all. Frodo gone to think. Still not king.

_LATER: _

Boromir shot full of arrows by nasty Uruk-hai. Nasty Uruk-hai killed by me. Go me! But Boromir dead. Called me "My brother…my captain…my king" so am at least getting _somewhere_, even if only with dying man from Gondor.

Small hairy companions of Frodo captured by other nasty Uruk-hai. They forgot Legolas. Bummer. And Frodo gone to Mordor alone. But took Sam with him. Strange way to be alone. 


End file.
